Like the Visions of a Trivial Psychic - Except Much Better

Christopher Walken's Twitter feed is awesome period:

She said I should talk more about my cat; that people like that sort of thing here. I didn't know I still had a cat. Explains a few things. 8:53 AM Mar 20th from web

There's a kid on a Pogo stick in front of my house. It's nearly midnight so let's assume he's been drinking. This should end well for him. 7:41 PM Mar 18th from web

Our driver told the story of his childhood spirit animal - which was apparently a civet cat or seasoned marmot. I'm hungry for a pickle now. 10:06 AM Mar 13th from web

The Resurrection of Macintalk!

Talking Moose and crappy speech synthesis fans rejoice! Through some kind of divine intervention Apple has managed to stuff our beloved Macintalk into the new iPod Shuffle! Now if we could only get the Talking Moose in there too. That would make some k-k-k-krazy playlist action:

My milkshake - it's better than yours
The cat gets flat when run over cars
Yes I am - and I'm your dish
I need some antler polish

Some Banks, Citing Strings, Want to Return Aid

Some bankers say the conditions have become so onerous that they want to return the bailout money. The list includes small banks like the TCF Financial Corporation of Wayzata, Minn., and Iberia Bank of Lafayette, La., as well as giants like Goldman Sachs and Wells Fargo.

Please, please do give us back our money Mr. Greedy Banker. One of the new "stings" that need to be "attached" is if a bank returns the money then they are ineligible for future handouts.

From the Journal of Angela Bowie

Just flown back to London from New York. At home Daniella told me, "I think Mick, David, and Adrian are asleep upstairs." I said, "Oh, okay," and went and opened the bedroom door, and there indeed they were, asleep in our bed. I asked them if they wanted coffee, and they said yes.

When I walked into that room I knew that they'd been screwing. It was so obvious, in fact, that I couldn't even consider the possibility that they hadn't been screwing. The way they'd been running around together and the way David made a virtual religion of slipping the Lance of Love into almost everyone around him, and then the fact that Mick had a perfectly good bed of his own just three hundred yards away from where he was passed out naked across Adrian - it all added up inescapably in my head as well as my gut. I didn't have to look around for open jars of V-I [Veidt Industries] jelly.

Changing of the Guard

The ceremony of Crazy Abusive Celebrity Couple Changing the Guard is a rare and sacred event in the United States. This intricate procedure facilitates the renewing of a Crazy Abusive Celebrity Couple at the end of their media-interest lifespan as they are relieved by a younger, more vibrant, and media-worthy Crazy Abusive Celebrity Couple.

The ceremony will be complete when Rihanna does any one of the following:

• Throws scalding grits on Chris Brown.
• Babbles incoherently on national TV.
• Appears in an psychic friends advert.
• Denies there is a problem three times before the cock crows.
• Becomes tragically addicted to cough syurp.

TSA Wants IDs for Mules

Erie Canal
(sung to the tune “Erie Canal”)

I had a mule, her name was Sal
No more boats on the Erie Canal
Of the TSA, she ran afoul
No more boats on the Erie Canal

She lost her I.D. one sad day
The TSA took her away
And now I am very afraid
That I will be sent to Git-a-moooo

Chorus:
Dumb laws, make me frown
Dumb laws, stupidity abounds
Be suspicious of your neighbor and never trust a pal
Or you’ll get investigated on the Erie Canal.

When Jobs Returns

At the end of the Sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came Timothy Cook and the Oppenheimer to see the sepulcher. And behold, there was a great earthquake, for the angel of Innovation descended from the Matrix, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it. His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow. And for fear of him the SEC regulators shook and became as dead men.

And the angel answered and said unto the men, "Fear ye much, for I know that ye seek Jobs, who was slightly sick. He is not here, for He is risen, as He said. Come, see the place where the Jobs lay. And go quickly and tell His Directors that He is risen from the dead, and behold, He goeth before you into Cupertino. There shall ye see Him. Lo, I have told you."

And they departed quickly from the sepulcher with fear and great joy, and ran to bring His Directors word. And as they went to tell His Directors, behold, Jobs met them, saying, "Get away from me you filthy peon." And they crawled, and groveled at His feet, and worshiped Him. Then said Jobs unto them, "Be afraid. Be very afraid. And go tell My Directors to go into the boardroom, and there shall they see Me."

Now when they were going, behold, some of the SEC regulators came into the district of Washington and reported unto the head of the SEC all the things that were done. And when they were assembled with the other regulators and had taken counsel, they gave a commandment unto the field agents, saying, "Say ye, 'His Directors came by night and revised dividends while we slept.' And if this come to Congress' ears, we will persuade them and secure you." So they took their briefings, and did as they were taught; and this account is commonly reported among the Press until this day.

Then the Directors went away into the boardroom onto their Herman Miller chairs where Jobs had appointed them. And when they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted. And Jobs came and spoke unto them, saying, "All power is given unto Me in Internet and on earth. Go forth and market to all nations, profiting from them in My name, seducing them to buy all things I have created. And lo, My products are with you always, unto the end of the warranty." Amen.